July 19- July 26, 1999

Notes from a fortune cookie:

"You are a kind person who throws up at office parties."

"You are short and smelly, but everyone loves you."

"Time is the guidance you seek to reach enlightenment...give it up."

"Love HoleCity or you will most assuredly die."

7.19.99

Over 6 Billion Served

The world's population reached 6 billion people this weekend. This astounding fact is accompanied by the note that the planet's population has doubled in less than 40 years.

The overall rate of growth has slowed, but Earth is still getting net 78 million new folks per year. And that's like adding San Francisco's population every three days. In all of humanity's history, we didn't reach 1 billion until 1804, then we hit 3 billion in 1960. And now?

"We're totally and completely fucked," said Eric Cartman, spokesman for Population Action International.

"There'll be people falling out of your ass soon," Cartman added. "Better get ready to eject some criminals out into space. Oh, and go see the South Park movie."

President Clinton was available only briefly, but did say, "That's a hell of a lot of interns."


We understand that not everything a "genius" does is going to be immediately appreciated, but we're no intellectual slouches and we have no frickin' idea what the point of Eyes Wide Shut was.


Forgive us for using the diminutive appellation, but after all, he's like a member of our own family, isn't he? Christ we hope not. No one in our family ever lobotomized a daughter, stole a presidential election, left a woman to die in a lake, or got away with rape.


Complaining that wrestling is fake is like complaining that Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't really kill vampires. Calling wrestling fans stupid is admitting that you don't understand it...maybe you're not the postmodern, pop-cult sophisticate you thought you were, hmmm?


The jokes are so inside, characters are practically comparing notes on the size of Michael Eisner's bowel movements. We write about pop culture, and even we didn't get all the references.


The newspaper advice columns "Dear Abby" and "Ann Landers" are "written" by the Van Buren twins, who have had these cushy jobs since their older brother Martin was President.