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Every once in a while, we experience TV nights so painful, we question our very existence. We ask ourselves: is there more to life than dissecting Home Improvement episodes for their Sartrean themes? Have we seen Dennis Franz's NYPD Butt to the point of cultural saturation? The answer: Hell yes. |
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Luckily, these moments of philosophical introspection are easily derailed by flipping to Skinemax and catching the last 20 minutes of The Pamela Files: Part 4. It's a tube-rule as tried and true as "Oprah Moves Merchandise": the best way to defuse a TV bomb scare like last night is to channel surf. |
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First up, The Caucasian Broadcasting System (CBS) was showing Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves starring Kevin "I'm Too Big A Star For Dialect Coaching" Costner and Christian "I'm A Junkie But I Didn't Bite That Guy" Slater. Herein lies a valuable lesson: if Bryan Adams is doing your theme song, get your money up front 'cause the chances for a box office smash are about as good as Beavis or Butthead winning the Best Lesbian Emmy. <surf> |
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NBC introduced a new approach to their line-up: Must-Hurl TV. Mad About You was on, but (heh heh, he thaid 'but') we were too preoccupied finding Waldo on the back of our box of Life to catch more than a glimpse of Jonathan Winters as the Buckman baby. That Paul Reiser. No wonder he's a millionaire. <surf> |
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ABC thrilled us with not one, but two episodes of Home Improvement, neither of which we watched. It's just too hard to justify to friends and family. Plus, Wilson the neighbor reminds us of the Unabomber. Think about it: he never shows his face and keeps spewing Zen advice. Look out Tool Time fans, Tim's not the only one who makes 'splosions. <surf> |
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All in all, the night was looking bleak. We had found Waldo and still had time to kill. As always, MTV saved the day; finally, something we could watch. They aired Prime Time Beavis and Butthead and we never miss an opportunity to hear the word "bunghole" used at least six times in an hour. Now that's Sartre. |