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It began as a quest to watch an entire episode of Melrose Place. |
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New season, new cleavage. Alyssa Milano---two hunks of silicon heavier since leaving Tony Danza's sheltering simian brow---in a series of party dresses so short we could discern the color of her ovaries. Heather Locklear acting away like a trooper, trying so darn hard you see the veins tensing around her nipples. Basically, a breast fetishist's dream; we kept expecting Elvira, Mistress of the Night to, er, pop out at any moment. |
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But we couldn't get past the dialogue. |
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Good lord, Melrose Place sucks. We expected it to be bad. Maybe Touched By An Angel bad. But this is something else, something far more...Spelling-esque. Clunkers rolled off tongues faster than we could scribble. |
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"I've had my share of heartache, too," Milano tells a Lucky Vanous wannabe. "I mean pain, suffering, heartache. You name it." After furious coupling, Locklear tells a stud-boy: "Not that it wasn't incredible, but outside of 'I've gotta have you,' you haven't said two words tonight." Some other beefcake idol croons: "I still have a bigger, far riskier dream. That you will love me forever, and that you will trust me when I say I will love you forever." |
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Oh. My. God. |
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The jig, as they say, was up. No more. So rather than a review, we decided to turn today's Hole into a survey of the sounds---and corresponding sights---of other Monday night tube. Anything to Listerine away the Melrose mess. See if you can match the dialogue to the show (mail us your answers): |
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1. "I...I...I...I... I'm...def...def... definitely not... not... not Leo." Combined with frenetic, pointless comedy-blinking. 2. "I have to like myself when I'm going to bed at night. Even if I'm going to bed alone. That's a McBealism." Replete with broomstick-up-butt. 3. "Men on bikes. Great exercise. But could it cause impotence?" Complete with 20/20 emblem and much-mocked speech impediment. 4. "Michael, don't be a pain in the ass." Attached to a redhead with intense, throbbing veins. 5. "First rule of marketing: Frogs move beer." Joined to a Budweiser logo. 6. "Huh?" Coupled with a 'Take Me Back Kathie Lee' placard. |