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On a newsworthy weekend such as the 48 hours past, why would TVHole dwell on disfigurement? After all, the Russian space station Mir survived near-calamity and a bit of Hazelwood-style driving. The U.S. Supreme Court's declaration that government censorship on the Internet is cyber-facism has sent ripples throughout porno sites everywhere (the biggest result? fewer black backgrounds and more nipples...). Hong Kong prepared for the Chinese Red Army, and Albania held violent, rigged elections. Consequential stories all, yet none will the topic of as many late-night quips, Top Ten lists, round-table discussions or in-depth tube-reports as The Bite. |
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Simply put, we'll be watching tube-crap about this for months. |
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Even if you didn't shell out for pay-per-view, surely eveyone's heard the news. Mike "The Cannibal" Tyson orally removed a sizeable chunk of ear from Evander "Real Meal" Holyfield on Saturday night. Tyson claimed Holyfield head-butted him mercilessly, and the chomping was strictly a self-defensive measure. Suuuure, Mike. And Heather Locklear sleeps with guys who aren't heavy metal guitar players. Even Don King---a man who makes Mandy Patinkin look restrained---was hushed. Seems even a promoter of his stature had never gouged a boxer quite so ceremoniously. |
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The greatest atrocity of such carnage is the lingering effect it will no doubt have on the almighty tube. We challenge everyone to watch Letterman, Leno, Conan and the rest, and count the references. Will anyone be surprised next season if Kramer bites off part of George's ear? Or if Evander makes a guest appearance on Suddenly Susan, and is barraged by Brooke's ill-phrased ear material? |
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What genuinely sucks is when you can practically write the jokes yourself. Mark it down: the Van Gogh/Hannibal Lecter references are flying fast and furious in green rooms across the planet. "Hey, at least Roberto Alomar just spat on a guy!" Gorbachev's ink-blot skull scar, Cindy's Marilyn-mole, Liz's purple contacts and Michael Jackson's anti-nose should make room. The Culture Of Contaminated Features just got bigger by a nibble. |
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