|
Baseball's Fade
Pattern
What do a Major League
Baseball playoff game and Caligula have in common?
Easy answer: Four hours and
a whole lotta scoring. Hard answer: The fall of Rome.
Today the playoffs dawn with
a televised tripleheader only a mother could love. Atlanta,
New York, Baltimore, Florida, Cleveland...these are
baseball's Evil Empires: wealthy franchises consisting of
mercenary players hired at ridiculous prices to win
championships. Big TV markets, tourist-trap stadiums and
Bobby Bonilla. Hard to get excited when goliaths clash, but
harder to imagine the Houston Astros advancing beyond Game
Three. Ick.
Baseball's teetering.
Steinbrenner's warming up on violin. Soon seats'll cost $100
a pop, and is there any doubt baseball will be the first
sport to move its postseason to pay-per-view? The old men
running the game would turn Seinfeld into a documentary about lesbian
penguins narrated by Alan Alda. They'd turn Pam Anderson
into Julia Child.
For now there are the games
(um, unless the umpires go on strike again). And so without
further kvetching, here are the Official SportsHole
Predictions for the 1997 playoffs. Get your bookie on
speed-dial.
Atlanta vs.
Houston. The Astros
play in an airplane hangar and have a grand total of two
batters. Meanwhile, it's funny Ted Turner's minions would
trademark the Tomahawk Chop... play the video backwards, and
doesn't it look like a Nazi salute? Atlanta in four.
Florida vs. San
Francisco. The
Marlins are exactly what's wrong with baseball. High-ticket
player at every position. Bitching owner trying to sell the
financial mess he wrought. Fish on their uniforms. But none
of it's as bad as Barry Bonds' mustache. Florida in
four.
Cleveland vs. New
York. Indians
outfielder Manny Ramirez acknowledged a few days ago that
it's very important to try when you run the bases. In a
related story, Dwight Gooden acknowledged it's very
important not to singe your eyebrows when lighting a crack
pipe. Yanks in three.
Baltimore vs.
Seattle. With all
the Griffey MVP hype, no one's noticed how much Mariner
Randy Johnson looks like a gnawed-on Clark Bar. If he and
Kate Moss ever shower together, they'd better hold hands.
Orioles in five.
World Series: Atlanta vs.
New York. We suggest
a rematch, because then people would be bored, and baseball
would go away. Atlanta in five.
|