A Girl Named Jim

There are two highly effective methods to lose a lot of money in a very short time:

1. Overextend oneself in a speculative stock market bubble.

2. Punch Jim Kelly.

Jim Harbaugh chose route #2, and the Super-Bowl-viewing public thanks him. Harbaugh, with the testosterone-addled logic of all NFL players, responded to Kelly's recent criticism by breaking a pinky on Kelly's head. The fragile bones of the human hand are apparently no match for a sloping brow and receding hairline.

Poor Harbaugh must be as confused and disappointed as Charlie Sheen at a John Lee Hooker concert. Two years removed from the AFC Championship game, Captain Comeback had been forced to settle for the handsome salary offered by the hapless Colts. Now he can't play and he won't get paid. Harbaugh must watch the Colts for free, something residents of Indianapolis gave up on a long time ago.

Because his injury was not football related, Harbaugh must wave goodbye (with his left hand) to his weekly salary of $147K. He'll get paid again when the hand is ready to resume tackling defensive backs. This isn't the first time the Captain Comeback has given up his paycheck. While at the helm of the Bears in the early '90s, Harbaugh donated one week's pay to charity. Orphans are deserving and all, but humanity was better served this time.

Jim Kelly questions the toughness of Jim Harbaugh, and Jim Harbaugh responds violently. A few years ago, sportstalk weasel Jim Rome questioned the toughness of Jim Everett, and Jim Everett responded violently. Remember that? Granted, it was delightful to see the reptilian Rome nearly swallow his lavaliere microphone in fear when Everett came after him. Even better was Rome's post-Dockers-wetting analysis that after calling Everett "Chris" the third time, the point had been made. The point was that Jim Rome is a wanker.

Why are Jims questioning the manhood of other Jims? Are attempted throttlings the only acceptable response for any self-respecting affronted Jim? If you are named Jim and you are not certifiably insane, email SportsHole with your courageous story. Bonus points if you're an NFL quarterback.







Should Jim Harbaugh have hit Jim Kelly with his throwing hand?

Yes. Maintaining pride is more important than playing.

No. He should have used a helmet.