March 2-March 8, 1998

Technology mavens are still waiting for the Internet's "Killer App". Where the hell have they been? We know what's what, so this week we feature every netizen's favorite waste of webspace: L'porn.

Can you hear the slap-bass?

3.6.98

Bringing Up Baby

In this pre-millennial, ante-apocalyptic age, it was only a matter of time before even birth got weird. Perhaps the august men of science have been diddling with the process a little too long. Since when was "Ankle Biters for All!" our rallying cry? Nonetheless, science has determined that anyone who wants a rugrat is gonna have one, by God, and the more, the better, a rationale that has resulted in two bizarre stories this week.

First, Jodie Foster is pregnant. In a move that has the most tactful among us stuttering, "But ...I thought...she..." the poster girl of sangfroid announced to Liz Smith that a little hominid is indeed on the way. This was, of course, a highly unusual level of confessional intimacy for Foster, who promptly clamed up about her immaculate conception.

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia, life imitates a Coen Brothers movie. Hasna Muhammed Humair has refused to take her septuplets home from the hospital unless she gets some help taking care of them. Apparently, she was taking medication to regulate her menstrual cycle--usually a contraceptive. However, in Humair's case it turned out to be a fertility drug. Not only was her pregnancy unplanned, it was a whopper. And she already has seven other children--baby makes fourteen. The hospital is threatening to call the police if Humair doesn't take her brood home soon.

Personally, we'd take our chances with the cops.

"The first victim of this horrifying and messy trend was Carlotta Cupps, star of over 350 films including Catholic School Teases IV - VII and I Know Who You Did Last Summer. "


"These under-educated, over-steroided, vastly overpaid walking penises are told from the time they're 14 that they're different, that the rules don't apply to them, and that one day, if they stay alive, they will get to screw Madonna."


"The Closer is Jerry Maguire without Renee Zellweger or the kid with the hair or Bonnie Hunt or the football. Or writing. Or humor. Or any appeal whatsoever."


"After complaining about chumps who spin, they'll also tell you all about their skills with a 5-Rod and a 3-Rod. Odds are they have infinitely more experience with a 3-Rod."