February 7, 2000

Volume 4
Number 6

Overnight Score:
Rush (the man, not the band): -15
Rome (the man, not the fallen empire): -9

Rocker Rome

There's one preeminent voice of Syndicated Sportstalk Radio these days. His name is Jim Rome and he's got his show going up and down the dial in every jerkwater berg from Providence to San Diego. He also clogs up the Fox Sports News airways nightly with his watered-down act pitching cupcake questions to various pro celebs.

But it's his radio show that gets stuck in our craw. Never has less been said between commercials. "During this hour we're going to talk about...." and "Next segment we'll get your thoughts on..." are about as close to actual sports insight as Rome ever gets. Less meat than Fiona Apple's Easter dinner table.

Did you know that the 'O' in O.J. Simpson stands for Orenthal? You would if you listened to Rome. He and his listeners are metabolically incapable of removing themselves from 1994. Guess they got laid then. Every social aspect, in some way, comes back to a bloody glove or Kato Kaelin. It's as interesting as a Dwight Yoakam dirt sandwich. We wish he would move on.

His loyal listeners, by the thousands, try to act just like him in every way. They copy his urban lingo, and try to coin jerkoff spin identical to his own. He only takes phone calls from cities whose residents will blow him on the air, particularly Tampa Bay and Sacramento, major league towns (yawn!) both. ("We love ya in Duluth, Romie!!!") When you phone Rome, you must (in the putz's own words) have a "take." You can't ask him what he thinks. You can't expect an exchange of sports ideas. You must have a script written, and you must read it quickly. Oh, and it's good if you yell.

What really annoys us is this whole John Rocker story. Like every other media outlet, Rome won't let it go. But here it's worse. You see, no one has been harsher on Rocker, deserved or not, than Rome. And yet, the man sounds just freakin' like Rocker.

Rome refers to Martina Navratilova as Martin. Jim Everett? Chrissie. Venus Williams? Predator. Serena Williams? Predator II. Sam Cassell? Alien. Rome's on-air lingo may lean toward wannabe African-American jive. His humor, however, is pure Rocker.

Maybe Rocker and Rome, two ignorant, hypocritical, overcompensating-for-a-small-pecker nitwits, should spend this April together. You know: goin' huntin' or somethin'. Oh and uh...maybe they could bring Bobby Knight?

.Banico Roberts