April 20--April 26, 1998

Lord.

We've been feeling just so nauseous that we almost called in sick this week.

Lucky for you we didn't. Anyway, enough about us...what is it that makes you sick?

4.24.98

A Day That Will Live In Infamy

A controversial, much-hated member of society died Thursday. Someone who bared the very terror the human soul can create. Someone about whom you wake up screaming. Someone involved in speculated conspiracies. Someone who crushed dreams.

No, not James Earl Ray.

They canceled Ellen.

Not citing "pathetic acting," "ridiculously lame storylines" and "truly ugly lesbians," ABC has nevertheless pulled the plug on someone about whose fingernails America knows waaaaaay too much. In fact, ABC stayed relatively mum on the issue, leaving Joan Garry of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation to say: "We're all disappointed ABC made a decision based on ratings. We really wish that they had seriously considered the impact of Ellen's work and looked at it from a broader perspective."

Right. Why could they see this was a statement for all lesbians: We're Here! We're Queer! We Own Laugh-Tracks!

In a related story, a bunch of Baptist idiots from "somewhere Down South" were heard to shout: "Hooray!" and celebrate by putting peanuts in their Pepsi.


"After all, the agencies shoveling crap for both Cellular One and SkyTel came up with the exact same historical moment. What are the chances?"


"In a move that we can only describe as Clintonesque, Michael then zipped himself up and attempted to salvage some small portion of his dignity with a momentous personal and political revelation..."


"...it will help reduce nausea while also letting the world know that the person taking the medicine is really into the outdoors, or at least really into outdoor shops in suburban malls."


"He wasn't even really annoying: only a few meager Rolling Stone references. No, he was just stoned."


"For Your Love, on the other hand, will remind you that there's a Sitcom Mad-Lib book out here somewhere."


While previous stories usually took a tactful tack, Mephistopheles made no such effort. Little Linda Blair is the Vasco Nunez de Balboa of celluloid hurl.