July 27-August 2, 1998

Shut up. Ignorance is chic.

Ask Forrest Gump. Ask Roseanne. Ask anyone who watches wrestling or stock-car racing. Ignorance is in.

So get rid o' them books. All you need's right here in the pages of HoleCity. We got enough ignorance for your whole dang week.

7.27.98

Say It Ain't So!

Irish dance superstar Michael Flatley, whose American Riverdance videotape commercials turned him into the Michael Bolton of folkdancing, called it quits with weekend with a spectacular open-air show in London. The flamboyant (read: incredibly gay) star won a standing ovation from 25,000 fans for his farewell performance with 100 dancers on a giant stage in Hyde Park. Correspondent Kenny G. indicated that it was "a really, really nice performance."

Flatley's feet, it seems, are insured for $40 million, which is a pittance compared to the dough he's milked from the world's teat with his "Lord of the Dance" tour. Mediocrity-lovers across the globe have forked-over hard-earned duckets like lemmings to be enchanted by Flatley's act, which consists of jumping up and down really fast to the exact same music for hours on end.

Flatley will reportedly concentrate on a film career, or (we're not making this up) may become a professional boxer. Meanwhile, an agent for Flatley's spectacular hairdo indicated his client hadn't yet decided on its next move.


The introduction of Antonio Banderas as the new, postal-variety Zorro 20 years later simply proves that two weenies and 200 pounds of grease do not a movie make.


But he was no match for a tubby, AK-47-toting Priestley, strung out on a speedball and bellowing, "Drink up, Judah Ben Hur!"


Mo tends to hang out at titty bars. Also, Mo got drunk during the off-season, drove his car from Rhode Island to Boston, and smashed into a parked car in the highway's breakdown lane...


Anyone who's spent hours trying to make a "voice-activated" computer understand "Give me the goddamn disk back!" is no doubt sniggering...


Intent, as any American will tell you, is the key. Didn't mean to set the toddler's hair on fire? We'll let you off with just a warning.