Next Week: Sausage	February 2-February 8, 1998 Unsightly body hair? Screw that Igia thing, we have the cure for what ails 'ya! Simply rub this website directly on the affected area and watch the follicles fly! And as an added bonus, it'll seal your pores up so friggin' tight that you'll explode before you sweat. We've already sent a sample to Richard Simmons.
2.6.98 Rattling Sabres, Cleaning Guns Despite the United States' alleged standing as 'God's country' some very evil suggestions have been made recently by our elected members of Congress. Sure, we got problems with Saddam Hussein and his refusal to allow UN weapons inspectors free access to Iraqi manufacturing facilities. But to publicly suggest that the world would be better off if Hussein was pushing up daisies is just diplomatically wacky. An assassination attempt on Hussein would be a bad thing: the U.S. just ain't got it any more. There was a time when we could recover an alien spacecraft one week and assassinate our own president the next. Now, the U.S. looks more like cousin Newt cleaning the 22 back by the outhouse. And we all know where that ends up: A trip to the ER and cousin Newty screaming "I's sure that thang weren't loaded." " Now look at my goddamn foot, Ellie."
"...these stations are as ubiquitous as Bill Clinton's ding-dong." "The fact is, sick people are much easier to catch than drug dealers; soon, we hope to have marijuana use confined to school children and minorities." "Latrell Sprewell couldn't look more like trailer trash if you dressed him in bib overalls and dunked him in Skoal. " "Roy Scheider can no longer hurt anyone because he is trapped in hell." "Steven Seagal's catch phrase is "Don't hate me because I'm a wife-beating, greased-up, squinting, pretentious Japanophile who couldn't act wet in a rainstorm."" Now Featuring "Family Circus". Wait. No. Maybe not.