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McGwire Admits: "Shit Yeah, I Corked My Bat" St. Louis, Missouri The baseball world was stunned today as hulking national icon Mark McGwire told the St. Louis Times-Dispatch that he had been corking his bat all the way through his record-setting 70 home run season. "I had that baby so juiced up I could have launched a frigging bocce ball over the left field fence," the carrot-topped slugger gleefully announced to reporters Monday. He continued: "Did you think I was going to piss away an opportunity to promote an obscure Southern California restaurant on national television?" -- an apparent reference to his proclivity for wearing obscure promotional caps to his post-game press conferences. McGwire apparently made the decision to seek illegal means to claim the home run title after a lifetime of steroid use had left his body a brittle shell susceptible to any number of crippling tiny injuries. "I had to do what I had to do," the reluctant American hero declared defiantly. "And no one can change it now." Then, gesturing to his groin, he added: "Put an asterisk on this, Mr. Commissioner!" Even more troubling for baseball purists was McGwire's subsequent admission that he had been "hopped up on goofballs" the day he swatted his 62nd home run to break Roger Maris' 37-year-old record. "Dude, I couldn't even see straight I was so loaded," a grinning "Big Mac" told a hushed audience during an appearance at the National Press Club. "I was up all night with Charlie Sheen and a couple of thousand-dollar-a-night ho's. Those Maris kids just thought I was gesturing to them. I was really just pointing to my dealer, telling him to set me up with an eightball for after the game." In a related story, Major League Baseball confirmed it has launched an investigation into whether McGwire's pudgy, apple-cheeked "son" is actually Mexican actor Miguelito Loveless, a dwarf who fled a carnival in Chiapas in April with the contents of the cash box. Officials believe McGwire may have hired him to divert media attention from his home run scam with a sappy, unbelievable family subplot. Press reaction to McGwire's admissions was swift and negative. "This just proves my point about the Wild Card," groused sanctimonious NBC broadcaster Bob Costas. "None of this would have happened in the days of the six-team league when the Negroes couldn't play." Filmmaker Ken Burns was said to be adding an extra 20 hours of footage to his interminable Baseball documentary to cover the McGwire scandal.
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