April 12-April 18, 1999

A day will come when Microsoft won't run everything.

A day will come when the Boston Red Sox will win a World Series again.

A day will come when you'll say you were one of the first five people ever to read the most famous webzine in the world: ever-lovin' Holecity. (Okay, about that last one....)

 

4.12.99

Dear. God. No.

You can't be serious. The world was happy. The world was all right. Everything made at least a little bit of sense.

And then Brooke and Andre broke up.

Brooke Shields, uber-tall uber-ditz, and Andre Agassi, poster child for erratic behavior in athletes, had a marriage fit for any Hard Rock Cafe opening. These were two people so lovely, so eyebrow-laden, that America couldn't help but fall madly in like. Their whirlwind courtship and CBS' unbelievably constant panning over to Brooke during U.S. Open after U.S. Open. This is a couple that redefined the Spousal Entertainment Crossover.

And now it's over. In Hong Kong this weekend, while attempting his 17th consecutive comeback from being overweight and disinterested in actually winning tennis matches, Agassi was quoted as saying: "We have filed for divorce and we are divorced." It's that kind of intellectual firepower that, when combined with the ultra-wit of Suddenly Susan, America will sorely miss.

But fear not. At least we still have David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer.

Let's Trade!

The White Trash Index dumps a big load and picks up shares in a Japanese (?) company with a new product you just won't believe.


We don't mind painting with broad strokes, but this script makes Carrot Top look like Ingmar Bergman. (Except for that hiding-the-car thing. That actually happened to us.)

We liked his natural performance, how he sounded so stupid, even when saying things that were kinda smart. Of course, we now know that he wasn't acting at all: that was pure, undiluted Keanu.


University of Oregon offensive staff used to have to use black and red checkers to explain plays to Smith. Black for offense. Red for defense. This is the pick that makes the most sense for Philly, because it gives them the biggest chance to suck.


Maybe Bart's having a sugar-rush-enhanced dream after a double-feature of Blade Runner and Aliens, followed up with a couple Philip K. Dick novels?

So, was all your talent in your disposed nose excess? Or was there another reason you weren't able to get work till now?


He's a nice guy, but his a English, it's a not so good. He so happy he wanna make a love to you and a everyone in a Hollywood, but the movie, she sucka real bad.