February 16-February 21, 1999

My...dog...has...

Fleas.

By the way, if you're really into white trash (and if you're still reading this intro, you are), check out BizHole's White Trash Portfolio beginning next week.

That is all.

 

2.16.99

There's Something About Jerry

Evidently somebody's been sneaking something with more oomph into the wine at Jerry Falwell's church. In the last couple weeks, he's lapsed into bizarro-rama mode twice.

First, and less widely reported, he announced that the Antichrist is not only alive, but is probably a Jewish male, possibly at Harvard. The mind reels, and then leaps to Alan Dershowitz, who, based on our research, is a minor minion of Satan specializing in assisting murderers, not the Antichrist. Dershowitz being the only Harvard faculty-member whose name we know, we'll move along.

Second, Jerry claims that one of the Teletubbies is, in fact, gay --- and recruiting. Folks, we've watched the show, and anyone who claims he can divine any meaning from it is the same sort of guy who starts conversations with "Dude" and spends two hours talking about how "The color red to you might be totally different than the color red to me, man."

Please, Jerry. Admit you have a problem and get help.

 

Screw the Wired Index...Next week we begin tracking the financial status of those corporate heathen feasting on the heart of America. For your consideration: The White Trash Index...TWTI (Pronounced "Twitty"...as in Conway). All we need from you is your selections for the white-trashiest publicly held companies. So send in your suggestions now!


Ebert declares that over a recent weekend, he had what he calls "an epiphany --- all the jokes, the double entendres, the fart jokes...they all made sense!"


Like the flea colony that intermittently harrasses your dog, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences is a mercurial pest.


Who wins? The fleabags. A couple of very mediocre receivers like J.J. Stokes or Charles Johnson or Sean Dawkins or (gag) Raghib Ismail will get ridiculous paydays from a desperate team. Which teams?


You can't call them freaks of nature, because they're really freaks of genetic engineering, many of whom come from Germany. Hey...


The University of Notre Dame pontificates about student-athletes though applicants must be in one of two distinct categories to be admitted (brown-shirted Catholic prep schoolers or blue-and-gold-shirted NBC revenue producers).