Let the shopping begin!
Encyclopedia Shatnerica. Buy it. Buy it. Buy it.

 

 







November 23-November 29, 1998

Don't even pretend you're really our friends. Come on. We don't believe it.

You're just being nice because you think we've got something for you.

Don't be so....

Phony.

 

11.23.98

Mass. Prisoner Extends Metaphor

Jotan Cooper of Lynn, Massachusetts, had an interesting weekend. First of all, Cooper got arrested for alleged illegal use of a credit card. In a widely attended press conference last Thursday evening, Cooper issued the following statement: "Let me say it one more time: I did not have improper relations with that credit card."

Fairly or unfairly, ol' Jotan got himself locked up in a Natick jail, a facility which he nicknamed "Whitewater." When feeding time in the prison came Friday morning, Cooper made a bold move: He wriggled through a narrow slot in the solid metal door meant for food trays. Jotan had called the door "Kenny."

The food slot, kept locked except a meal times, is 7 by 17 inches.

"We found him hiding in the cafeteria ceiling," said one officer. "He suggested that we lock the food slot after we feed prisoners. Except he kept calling the slot 'Public Apathy.'"

Hmm....


Yeah, yeah, Boogie Nights was a work of art with its "script" and its "performances" and all its "layers" of "meaning." But you can get that in English class.


Tampa Bay, although unable to overcome Trent Dilfer's deal with the devil, signed their own young defensive stars and should be as strong as Trent's deodorant for years.


Electric guitar strains punctuate the jiggling, and the bumpers bring to mind Charlie's Angels. In fact, we expected to see the name "Spelling" attached to this piece of boob-filled fluff...


Imagine if David Letterman was even more awkward. Pretend he had worse hair and a bigger gap between his teeth. Now take away Mr. Clean Paul Schaeffer and his role as a heat deflector. Raise the goofball/acidity ratio, but remove anything remotely funny.

 

 

Buy Encylopedia Shatnerica]