January 18-January 24, 1999

This week's patron saint is Ginger Spice.

After all: leaving all that glamour, all that dinero.

How could you do it, Geri? Six months, and we're still stunned silent.

How could you be such a....

1.18.99

Federal Television Mandate Clears Congressional Hurdle

Federal Communication Commission power brokers leaked a story last week that should rock the very foundation of modern television viewing. It seems that every single show on television may soon be subject to the new "Chris Carter Flashback" legislation presently under review in the House of Representatives.

Under the procedures proposed by HR 1051, all television dramas executive-produced by Chris Carter (X-Files, Millennium) are federally mandated to begin with the show's "conclusion," followed by "flashback" scenes which begin with the words: "24 Hours Earlier...." This manipulative technique, which Carter evidently views as "way cool," produces all sorts of neat ways a show can mislead viewers into thinking, for example, that a major character has died. The character can, of course, make a startling recovery by flashback's end, while the viewer can merely throw popcorn at his or her television.

Should momentum build toward application of HR 1051 to all network programming, implications are far-reaching. For example, Dharma & Greg will necessarily begin every week with uber-doofus Jenna Elfman pre-explaining her wacky shenanigans to her father-in-law, who may or may not be named "Stanley Roper." And every week on Spin City, Michael J. Fox will be shown in dramatic old-age makeup, almost recalling the events of the coming week's episode, and shaking like hell from the Parkinson's.

In a related note, Vengeance Unlimited will still suck.