|
Special Membership Offer Could End Any Moment Panic Strikes Arkansas City North Little Rock, AK It was news that spread like wildfire through the bargain-conscious population of North Little Rock, Arkansas. An employee of the local Bally's Swim and Fitness Health Club confided to a potential patron that the club's special rate for new memberships could be discontinued at any time without notice. In response to the news, roughly 800 people, deeply concerned that they might miss the deal, lined up well before dawn to lock in the $19 "Fall Into A Less Grotesquely Fatty You" monthly rate for 18 months. "I don't want to put pressure on you, but they look at these prices every day, and I could come in tomorrow and find out that the price has gone up," said the employee, Joe Fitt. Joe was unable to even guess at how expensive the club could become if the current rates were changed, leaving Little Rock residents nothing to do but guess. "I don't know. Maybe it'd be $100 or $150 per hour," said Nate Hare, a local busboy who says he's been working on reducing his beer belly for years. Hare was interviewed in the quarter-mile line, where he'd been waiting for five hours to make a deposit on a new membership. "Or maybe they'd just close the club to new members entirely. I just don't want to lose out on a chance to get that great rate." A national spokesperson for Bally's confirmed that the price could change at any time and that customers were well-advised to act fast. "We don't rely on gimmicks to convince people to sign up with Bally's. We rely on beautiful and impossibly fit models we create in state-of-the-art genetic engineering laboratories to put in our ads. "We really do re-evaluate every price in every location every single day, and sometimes even every hour. If you take even a half-hour to give the idea of signing an 18-month contract totaling hundreds of dollars a modicum of thought, you might lose the price, and then you'll be fat fat fat forever!" The customer in whom Joe confided, who asked not to be identified and who reportedly owned two lifetime membership in nearby health clubs, immediately prepaid for three years at Bally's and received a complimentary Bally's water bottle, and two sweatbands which wouldn't fit over her enormous wrists. "I just thank the good Lord I'm in," she said, waddling away, munching from an industrial-sized bag of pork rinds.
 .Torgo
|
|
