August 31-September 6, 1998

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8.31.98

It's Only Logicale...

Set another place at the dinner table. Cut another slab of meatloaf. Pour another glass of non-alcoholic beer. Heck, even roast another potatoe.

Dan Quayle is running for President.

Yessire, the Ringo Starr of Americane politics basicallye threw his hat into the ringe yesterdaye, announcinge to the Chicagoe Sun Timese that he's "layinge thee groundworke" for a clue-free run at the Presidencye.

The good part? Quayle's not quite as dapper as he used to be (those Vietnam years in the National Reserve finally catchin' up to him), and he's exactly as intelligent as he used to be. Recalling how well his spat went with Murphy Brown all those years ago, if elected Quayle has vowed to take on fictional characters ranging from Tess of the D'Urbivilles to Mr. Roper.

Get your campaigne buttonse while they laste.


Is he so taken with Loggia's turn as brother Frank in the awful bio-pic about Yankee skipper Joe Torre? Do his parents have every episode of Mancuso, FBI in their video library?


And you know you've met one sharp-dressin', vampire-killin', bad motha -- hush yo mouth! -- baby, I'm just talkin' bout Blade.


If you take even a half-hour to give the idea of signing an 18-month contract totaling hundreds of dollars a modicum of thought, you might lose the price, and then you'll be fat fat fat forever!"


Mike Ditka, Dick Vermeil, Dan Reeves. Why why why are you still in the league? Anybody who can beat the Niners can stay. The rest of you grab a copy of Microsoft Resume Builder 5.0 from Wannstedt.


Worse, the success of Celebrity DeathMatch has evidently gone to their pinheads, inducing what can only be described as delusions of competence. For evidence, look no further than the steaming pile of crap known as the Super Adventure Team.


Alan Dershowitz, Esq. Alan's greatest strength is his ability to defend reprobates and make them look good when compared to their counsel.