'Hole Name: Artifice Gordon

Real Name: Artifice Lipschitz

Meaning of Life: "Vanity, sayeth the preacher, all is vanity."

Bust Size: By appointment only

Turn-Ons: The mellifluous vocal stylings of Mr. Vin Scully

Turn-Offs: The overweening pomposity of Bob Costas

All-Time Favorite Sports Moment: Reggie going deep off of Elias Sosa

Ideal Game: The Christian Coalition vs. The Gay Men's Chorus in shirts vs. skins Rollerball. Who's with me on this?

Wildest Place I Ever Watched Sports on TV: In my room, by myself. Pretty sad, isn't it?

Ideal Show: Any Star Trek episode involving a talking rock named Yarnek.

Wildest Place I Ever Watched TV: Is the bathroom considered "wild"?


Why I Decided To Pose For The 'Hole: Writing monthly etymology fillers for The Atlantic just doesn't have the zing that it used to.