Next Week: Anthem

February 16-February 22, 1998

OK, OK. We promise that this is our last food 'Hole for a while.

So grab a big bowl of Quisp/Quake/Count Chocula and rot your teeth while we rot your brain.

2.20.98

A Mercedes To Make Your Head Explode

Man, can't a guy make anthrax anymore without the whole world getting sick over it?

White separatist Larry Wayne Harris and his little buddy William Job Leavitt Jr. got busted for stockpiling biological weapons a couple days ago. This is the same Harris who was arrested a few years ago for buying bubonic plague via the mail. And some people collect baseball cards.

Harris' attorney claims Harris was in truth working on a cure to anthrax poisoning. In a related note, the attorney also revealed startling new information indicating that Jeffrey Dahmer was actually helping little boys by regurgitating lost fingers and toes. Yum.

Anyway, the government seized a white Mercedes with broken vials of biological stuff and sealed it in plastic. No word yet on whether Mercedes-Benz can expect an "O.J.'s Bronco" run on white Mercedeses, but company spokespeople have initiated a plan to include free "Black Death" air fresheners in every 1998 model.

"...Yun-Fat has the kind of charisma that Pierce Brosnan would pimp-slap his own mother to possess"

"Yeah. Sure. That Lennon kid. John Lennon. Faked his death to get rid of his crazy broad, Yoko Ono..."


"Dozens of RVs parked on the infield. More twangs than the Deliverance banjo scene. A Hooters just across from the track."

"People could get together right after the Super Bowl and draft their favorite flacks and talking heads. Dibs on Jim Nantz!"


"We've got schools in Mississippi where students get confused by the grammatical complexities of Dr. Seuss, and we're supposed to believe these kids can talk like Janeane Garofalo after a few cappucinos?"


"It is to our shame that we don't linger a little in the eternity of the instant that is breakfast -- even if it is only instant breakfast."


Quit being so damn serious. Have a hit of Crank and come on in...