How can you replace nothing?
If you're anything like us (and, try as you might to deny it, you are), you were on the receiving end of more than one beating while in elementary school. Too geeky, too short, too slow...for whatever reason, you got wailed on.	Late night? Bored? Lonely? Overweight? Confused? We feel your pain, and have the answer... (click here to go!)
But for one brief shining period in the midst of The Bruised Years, there was a hero: a new---and big---kid who actually liked you. For three full months you could walk the playground safely, even wearing a pocket protector and your "Apple: The Personal Computer" t-shirt, because you knew that the big guy---let's call him Jerry---would protect you.	Countdown To Oblivion There are approximately 10,354,987 seconds before 'Seinfeld' goes the way of 'Harper Valley P.T.A.' Here are Dr. Joyce Brothers' Five Steps for overcoming addiction. 1. Eating candy can diminish your body's need for George Costanza. 2. If you want to listen to annoying parents, just call your own. 3. Stop following the 'Soup Nazi' actor around all day; he doesn't really know the recipes. 4. Try to understand that Kenny Banya doesn't want to kill you...he only wants a spin-off. 5. Get over it...it hasn't been funny for three years.
Then it all came crashing down. Jerry decided to drop out and play football for Texas Tech. You were no longer safe from the bullies.
Congratulations. You now know what it feels like to be an NBC executive.
After losing Seinfeld and "prestigious" AFC football, and the close shave in keeping E.R., the folks at NBC have gotta feel like the rich folks in Titanic: Sure, they've got a lot of money right now, but they'll be fodder for Discovery Channel "What Went Wrong?" expeditions soon enough.
So, out of our sheer humanity, we provide for NBC brief reviews of the possible heirs to the Super Seinfeld throne:
Veronica's Closet: There just has to be a good sitcom for Kirstie Alley out there somewhere. Unfortunately, this isn't it. VC is one overeater's joke per episode away from ruining Dom DeLuise's career. Union Square: This is the answer to the question: "Would it be possible to create a show that has the precise effect of fresh paint fumes?" Working: Hey! It's painful, just like your job...only less funny and you don't get paid! Mad About You: These folks need to follow the long-honored comedy tradition---from I Love Lucy to Murphy Brown---and throw the baby out the window. Last week's episode---largely baby-free---was almost bearable. But not quite.
So the answer is clear. None of the current crop-o'-crap is up to par. The only possible answer to all of NBC's problems: Cop Rock: The Reunion!
This all reminds us: How many NBC executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and another to pay it $13 million per week to keep at least one overrated and grating lightbulb in the house.
.Torgo