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Super Spice
You don't have to know the Spice Girls to know they suck. It's one of those things everyone knows. Five endlessly self-promoting Brits who can't sing, dress like hookers, and rip off other artists without shame or album credits.
Unfortunately, this description applies equally well to the Rolling Stones. So we decided to find out: what is it that makes the Girls du Spice so special?
At great personal sacrifice (a ride to Wal-Mart), your servants at HoleCity cut a deal with one of the devil's junior minions for a copy of Spiceworld, the Girls' latest opus and the soundtrack to their forthcoming movie.
God help us, now it's too late for us to escape from their sticky bubblegum claws. The Spice Girls have sucked our brains out because they've stocked their funhouse of horror with things that we already like, subtly twisted to their own evil purposes. Let us take you on the tour:
First stop, the album
cover. First thing you notice is the Girls themselves: Token
Spice, Old Spice, Jailbait Spice, Bitch Spice and Butch
Spice.
Then, the fatal step: you listen. You don't notice much at first, because the first four tracks are just bad macarena and Motown rip-offs and you're too busy looking at the liner notes anyway.
These liner notes consist of more pictures of the Girls, surrounded various inspirational phrases ripped off from Trainspotting ("Choose life, Choose spice") and Spike Lee ("She's gotta have it"). They also work in a plug for Nike ("Do It") and Benetton ("United Colours of Spice"). Hide your bong.
The worst is yet to come. Because now, you poor schmuck, the CD has hit track 5 and you're listening. It seems the Girls have lifted the entire string section from "Ain't No Stopping Us Now" by McFadden and White and putting it in a tune called "Never Give Up On The Good Times." You frantically search the liner notes for an acknowledgment of this; you will never find it.
And now, the final blow: track 6 starts, and you hear the Girls singing:
Generation next, generation next
(Ahh generation next)
Generation next, generation next (Generation)
Generation next, generation next (Generation yeah)
Generation next, generation
And you realize: they've put a fucking Pepsi Commercial on their album! And it's the best song on the album!
Your will broken, you lay on the couch and sob until the CD spins to a stop. You are a citizen of Spiceworld now.
And Old Spice is the mayor.
We'll see you in line for the
movie.
.mc
annie c
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MusicHole's Quote Of The Week:
"When I see the Spice Girls, it makes me really... um... hot. I mean, I start touching myself. And I think of all the other people touching themselves, too. Especially the little boys. The Spice Girls are great." --Michael Jackson
MusicHole's Honorable Mention Quote Of The Week: "Hey, we ain't the Beatles. We're not bigger than Jesus. Heck, we're not even bigger than Van Halen."
--Steven Tyler, Aerosmith |
The heady days of Asia---Steve Howe and John Wetton's nimbly manufactured crowd of anti-art rockers---are gone, though we can still hear the somber synthesizer strands of "The Heat Of The Moment" wafting in the residual pot smoke of the early '80s. Coverdale/Page. Damn Yankees. The Power Station. Mega-millionaires joining forces to fight crime and get laid. Super Groups used to be what musicians did to capitalize on success. Now, it's a sure sign that the bloom is off the Bell-Biv-Devoe rose. 1984 was the Orwellian pinnacle of manufactured rock mush. Bill Bruford was a drummer on the prowl. GTR sang "When The Heart Rules The Mind." Andy Warhol wasn't dead and the Velvet Underground was still Lou-Reed-wacky. Sure, we're better off today. Those groups were plastic and fake, forged by record companies to inhale quick, unsuspecting consumer greenbacks. Now we've got Spice Girls and Hanson. And they're just...super.
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