Once Wal-Mart does the inevitable and retrofits its parking lots with RV hookups, Sam Walton's baby will truly be hell on Earth. The chain won't sell certain albums based on a random interpretation of "offensive" lyrics, but Wal-Mart does offer everyday low prices on a fine selection of guns. Ignoring the First Amendment while clinging to the Second helps Wal-Mart achieve the seemingly impossible task of being the most annoying Arkansas export.

Bed, Bath, & Beyond has emerged as the superstore of choice for those who find Martha Stewart's K-Mart collection declasse. Whether you're a fetishist seeking knick-knacks or a fetishist searching for bric-a-brac, you can't escape BB&B. We can only pray that sometime in the near future America's insatiable appetite for dust ruffles will wane.

The "R" Us conglomerate has already divided and conquered several aspects of childhood and they're not about to stop. The next expansion targets in either direction are Teens "R" Us and Fetuses "R" Us. If Geoffrey could make money selling methadone or abortions, he would. A chain targeted to our youth shouldn't have a name with bad spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

Home Depot has made every simian with a monkey wrench think he's Bob Freakin' Vila. No matter the household task, it will require multiple trips to Home Depot. The chain is battling several gender-bias suits. Their stores could smell like sawdust, but they actually smell like insecticide. And that puke orange color isn't helping matters either.

What's worse than stores that wreck communities? How about a store that thinks it is a community? Welcome to NikeTown, where the Asian sweatshop wages are low but the prices are positively Jordanesque. These monstrosities have somehow become tourist attractions. Despite the hype from Mayor Phil Knight, NikeTown isn't a nice place to visit, and you definitely wouldn't want to live there.