| We recently happened upon beleaguered Expos manager Frank Robinson, enjoying cervezas and cockfighting in the smoky basement of a San Juan nightclub. He agreed to speak with SportsHole on the record....
SPORTSHOLE: "So your team is struggling. If we were Peter Gammons we'd repeat that in italics: struggling. How are you holding up, Frank?"
FRANK ROBINSON: "Oh, I'm fine. It's a long season. We take 'em one game at a time. We're looking for answers. We're really battling. The coaches are doing a tremendous job. We've got great veteran leadership on this team. Um...did I mention that we take 'em one game at a time?"
SH: "Yeah, Frank, you did. So you're basically relying on sports clichés?"
FR: "Yup. And pagan gods."
SH: "Are you, at the age of 68, the best hitter on the Expos?"
FR: "Well, Terrmel Sledge is...."
SH: "We mean the Expos who haven't tested positive for steroids."
FR: "Then yeah, probably. But Tony Batista looks awfully good in BP."
SH: "Your players are killing our fantasy team. Do you care?"
FR: "Did I recommend that you stockpile Expos on your fantasy team?"
SH: "Well, errr...no. That's a fair point."
FR: "I sure as shit don't have any Expos on my fantasy team."
SH: "You play fantasy baseball?"
FR: "Who needs fantasy baseball more than the Montreal Expos' manager? You don't think I enjoy seeing Manny Ramirez in my starting lineup instead of Ron freakin' Calloway?"
SH: "Wow. So you don't feel compelled to trade away all your best fantasy players for Yankee farmhands, like in real life?"
FR: "Hell, no. But people still think I'll trade for any worthless stiff. Somebody just offered me Rocky Biddle. I mean, can you believe that shit? That dude sucks."
SH: "Frank, he's your closer. For real. Like, on those odd occasions when your team actually has a lead to begin the ninth inning, he's the guy you allow to pitch. Why? Why? Good grief, Frank, why?!"
FR: "Because Elias Sosa and Woodie Fryman aren't available."
SH: "C'mon, Frank. What about Luis Ayala? Chad Cordero?"
FR: "I'll let you in on a little secret: there is no Rocky Biddle."
SH: "You mean, you've had him killed?"
FR: "No, no. I mean, there really is no Rocky Biddle. He's an invention, a fictional character. Like Max Headroom.
(Stunned silence. Robinson continues....)
FR: "It's just a big, plush suit. Bud Selig thought it would be a nice idea to allow certain dignitaries---like senators who threaten to reexamine baseball's anti-trust exemption, for example---to pitch occasionally in high-leverage game situations. So he invented Rocky Biddle. Gives the old codgers a real kick."
SH: "So that explains the 7.16 ERA and 1.59 WHIP."
FR: "Heh, yeah. We let Dick Cheney wear the Biddle suit the other night. That old fart just got torched. Woo-eee. Fans were getting suspicious. I mean, he was throwing about 35, 36 miles per hour."
SH: "This is disturbing."
FR: "Can't beat fun at Hiram Bithorn Stadium."
Big Foam Finger