May 31 - June 6, 2004

Baseball Fans
Bleed Red...

Expos Manager
Tells All...

Indestructible Brands...



Oliver Miller Is Very, Very Fat...

Ricky Henderson Won't Retire...

Hockey Nears Extinction...

Why Hoops Stars Hate America...

The NFL Draft's Manning-Related Drama...

Frank Robinson Comes Clean: There Is No Rocky Biddle
We recently happened upon beleaguered Expos manager Frank Robinson, enjoying cervezas and cockfighting in the smoky basement of a San Juan nightclub. He agreed to speak with SportsHole on the record....

SPORTSHOLE: "So your team is struggling. If we were Peter Gammons we'd repeat that in italics: struggling. How are you holding up, Frank?"

FRANK ROBINSON: "Oh, I'm fine. It's a long season. We take 'em one game at a time. We're looking for answers. We're really battling. The coaches are doing a tremendous job. We've got great veteran leadership on this team. Um...did I mention that we take 'em one game at a time?"

SH: "Yeah, Frank, you did. So you're basically relying on sports clichés?"

FR: "Yup. And pagan gods."

SH: "Are you, at the age of 68, the best hitter on the Expos?"

FR: "Well, Terrmel Sledge is...."

SH: "We mean the Expos who haven't tested positive for steroids."

FR: "Then yeah, probably. But Tony Batista looks awfully good in BP."

SH: "Your players are killing our fantasy team. Do you care?"

FR: "Did I recommend that you stockpile Expos on your fantasy team?"

SH: "Well, That's a fair point."

FR: "I sure as shit don't have any Expos on my fantasy team."

SH: "You play fantasy baseball?"

FR: "Who needs fantasy baseball more than the Montreal Expos' manager? You don't think I enjoy seeing Manny Ramirez in my starting lineup instead of Ron freakin' Calloway?"

SH: "Wow. So you don't feel compelled to trade away all your best fantasy players for Yankee farmhands, like in real life?"

FR: "Hell, no. But people still think I'll trade for any worthless stiff. Somebody just offered me Rocky Biddle. I mean, can you believe that shit? That dude sucks."

SH: "Frank, he's your closer. For real. Like, on those odd occasions when your team actually has a lead to begin the ninth inning, he's the guy you allow to pitch. Why? Why? Good grief, Frank, why?!"

FR: "Because Elias Sosa and Woodie Fryman aren't available."

SH: "C'mon, Frank. What about Luis Ayala? Chad Cordero?"

FR: "I'll let you in on a little secret: there is no Rocky Biddle."

SH: "You mean, you've had him killed?"

FR: "No, no. I mean, there really is no Rocky Biddle. He's an invention, a fictional character. Like Max Headroom.

(Stunned silence. Robinson continues....)

FR: "It's just a big, plush suit. Bud Selig thought it would be a nice idea to allow certain dignitaries---like senators who threaten to reexamine baseball's anti-trust exemption, for example---to pitch occasionally in high-leverage game situations. So he invented Rocky Biddle. Gives the old codgers a real kick."

SH: "So that explains the 7.16 ERA and 1.59 WHIP."

FR: "Heh, yeah. We let Dick Cheney wear the Biddle suit the other night. That old fart just got torched. Woo-eee. Fans were getting suspicious. I mean, he was throwing about 35, 36 miles per hour."

SH: "This is disturbing."

FR: "Can't beat fun at Hiram Bithorn Stadium."

Big Foam Finger


Do you want to be "Rocky Biddle" for a day?

Yes. I've sent my $39.95 to the management of Les Expos. I'm just waiting for my pitching date.

No. I'm a much, much better pitcher than Rocky Biddle.

Last Week's Poll:
Who is fatter?

Jabba The Hut. (36%) These aren't the 'droids we're looking for.

Oliver Miller. (63%) I grant that he's far less slimier than Jabba, but he's got just a bit less neck, too.